This Saturday, I set out to meet with the people with whom I graduated from high school, my Abiturjahrgang. What had felt like fun and a potentially great moment a few months back when I penciled the date into my agenda started looking daunting as the moment of leaving approached.
The expectation of having a good moment rooted in being able to see where everyone has arrived, how they have journeyed and what they’re up to now. How everyone has changed and maybe even how the way we relate to each other has transformed. Passionate as I am about development, my curiosity probably made me go and meet my classmates in the end. And it was an evening I wouldn’t want to have missed!
I enjoyed seeing how plans we have made worked out or how unexpected adventures have changed our paths.
And then, what had held me back? It wasn’t until reading an e-mail form a classmate afterwards talking about his own doubts of going and finally enjoying the conversation, that I realized my fear of facing the past – my past, my past ME.
Back then, most of what I was seemed defined by what I thought others think of me. I now realize that I was most scared others would think as little of me as I did myself. I would have loved to be “the cool kid” and get from outside what I was lacking inside. Seeing those faces projected me back into my quest for being good enough to be liked or respected. Years of constructing my ego and then shedding it have passed and this place still feels vulnerable…
I decided that I make it a practice for me to be attentive to those moments when I wonder about what others think of me.
Maybe you want to join and do the same?
How is wondering about your worth in the eyes of others getting in the way of what you do or want to do? What would be a another way of defining success?
I think, our knowing about our worth really comes from within and the effects of our work we can see around us.
Thanks Abi ’92 KMG for an insightful and fun evening!
You may want to observe also the feelings that come with the thought(s)
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